Crystal Ball - Keane

OH Crystal Ball, Crystal Ball, save us all, tell me what I'm looking for,
Mirror, Mirror, on the wall, show us all...

I think it's kinda funny how everytime I journal -- it's already the next day, so I'll put the "real technical" date, but it's not about that day at all. Like this blog for instance, it says July 31, but the entry is really about July 30, about swimming in the morning, fighting for the water polo ball and kidnapping girls to sacrifice, watching the Italian Job and eatin MacnCheese at Nielson's, goin to Jamba and driving around friends, drivin to Ocean Beach nd bonfires, and calling your girlfriend a little too late.

I think it'd be cool to have a Crystal Ball so you'd know what to pack so you'd always be prepared.

So far, my plan is to learn Chinese, Korean, and Spanish in that order. Cuz it's embarassing to only be able to speak but not read Chinese -- if you're Chinese. And in terms of foreign language, I always thought it'd be easier to learn the language if you were watching films from a country where that's the native language... but for Spanish, there's only Telenovellas -- which blow. And so we were watching films at Jon Wong's place all in Korean, and I realized that S.Korea's got a BOOMiNG film industry to rival U.S. (or not... ya... but it's really booming). So if I've gotta learn a foreign language, it should be Korean, cuz then I can watch all these Korean dramas and movies and Good Bad Weirds. And then when I'm 30 I can go be a missionary in N.Korea or something and martyr and it'll all be good. After I've been on Broadway. Ya, that sounds like a good plan.

Haha.

"What are you waiting for?"
"I dunno, something amazing, I guess..."
"Me too, kid."

I'm still waiting for a miracle.

It used to be I thought everything was a miracle. Just look around you, the blue sky, the fact that we can still it after how much junk we've grown up to believe we're dumping in the air. The air that we can breathe, that with lack of we'd die. The people that actually care about us and have been sent from Him to speak for Him.

But I guess like the Jews got bored of miracle of raining bread, I guess I'm looking for my flock of dead crows to drop down for me too.

I couldn't find any verses on friendship but I guess I wasn't looking hard enough.

So today, TK got me invited to Sean's 19th formal coming-out social birthday party or whatever, which I'm not really interested in going to -- cuz Sean and I aren't really buds.

Haha, I'll be honest, I'm not really sure why Sean doesn't like me, but I'm thinking it goes somewhere along the lines of he thinks I keep stealing his girlfriends. TK thinks it's cuz we think differently and interact with our friends differently -- like Sean likes to have a plan, and me? I just like to wing it -- but I don't think something like that would make Sean start talking smack behind my back. To be honest, I think Sean likes to have a plan cuz it makes him feel like he's in charge or that he means something to the group, so that he can have his niche as "leader" or "planner" or whatever makes him fulfilled.

Sean keeps dating girls that are close to me, like Melody, who I've known since 3rd grade, and Sami, who kinda was in the same boat with me romantically Junior year with the whole Diana and Bryant thing going on...

I think he's threatened or something by me at a caveman level, as if I'm gonna attack his manhood and steal his girl and hut and berries.

It's ok, Sean's really nothing to me now, kinda like how Diana kinda hurt me before but now she's nothing to me now either -- haha except a rad salsa partner and we were a riot at Mateo Motion VI. I think TK wants us to get along cuz we're both in Vongola -- our breakdance crew nd hangout team -- but I dunno, cuz apparently Justin and Sean hate me and honestly I don't know why but I've gotten over it and I'm honestly not looking for their approval or affirmation. We used to be all cool but times are changed.


_{Next: BENMELLI I FINISHED YOUR BOOK NOW WHAT? LET'S TALK}

Una Palabra - Carlos Varela

Una palabra no dice nada y al mismo tiempo lo esconde todo.

Esta noche miré a la película de Denzel Washington que se llama Man on Fire y recordí de mi tiempo en México y también de Casey Schade cuando me dijo de los miedos que sus padres tienen cerca del viaje con la iglesia. Pero fuimos a la puebla más segura en la país -- Porvenir, México. Esta película es vieja, tiene cerca de seis años... y miré cuando estaba nueva. Pero la segunda vez de mirando, lo tiene más poder porque de mis experiencias en las países que se hablan español.

Y a veces, cuando estoy pensando si Dios tiene esquema para mi vida, pienso del regalo de lenguas que me dio -- el aprecio y entendimiento que tengo para culturas diferentes y entiendo que a veces el dicción me falta.

En el libro que estoy leyendo, hay una idea que el autor David Miller le llama Barco de Salvar. Con Cristo, nunca necesitabamos tener miedo que tenemos menos valor que otra persona. No necesitaba comparar quién yo soy a quién él or ella es -- con Cristo, hay amor incondicional. Y entonces, nunca necesitaba comparar que valor que pienso que tengo al valor que pienso que otros tienen... ¿sí?

[Un video en YouTube pregunta este: ¿Eres la persona favorita de alguien? Esta me lastima...

Conozco que Cristo me ama, me ama a mí, pero conozco también que Pedro por ejemplo va a sentarse al derecho de Cristo, ¿no? Y yo? Voy a ser uno de un mil de gente.

Al final de la película, Dakota Fanning conoce que Denzel Washington le ama y conoce que ella es la persona favorita de él.]

Y escuché sí que nadie va a sentir sentimientos malos en Cielo pero cuando pienso de esto aquí en Tierra -- se chulpa.<-- Tatan va a decirme que no se dijo como eso.



_{Luego: Searching for God Knows What....!}

A Boy Like That - Anita from West Side Story

So we're just sittin' around in a circle listening to this speaker at college group one night, when she's like hey ok we're gonna do an activity now, and I'm like cool -- so everyone gets a cup with 5 different colored beans and 3 of each color. And the beans represent the different things we want in life like Success, Fame, Knowledge, Love, and Money. So we start trading, but the very first beans I lose are the pink ones... the ones that stand for LOVE.

_unrequitted LOVE is stupid.

And sometimes it makes me wonder, why isn't God's love enough?

Edmond Rostand's Cyrano de Bergerac is about an ugly musketeer who you think is in love -- unrequitted -- with Roxanne, but as soon as he wins her heart, you realize that this musketeer is only in love -- with being in love.

But maybe the musketeer has fallen in love with "love" because he doesn't know what the real confirmation of true returned affection is.

I'm reading this book -- Searching for God Knows What by Donald Miller. And he's got this idea, that human emotions are inexplainable and untouchable save through art -- through human expression that cannot be recreated through any modern day science.

He's got this idea that most of the Old Testament [and its ideas] is written in poetic verse because poetry invokes emotion and --

"...that the ideas could not be presented accurately outside the emotions within which the truths were embedded."
-Donald Miller

In Berstein and Sondheim's musical West Side Story, Anita sings and shouts, "A Boy Like That," a desperate solo conveying all her pain and desperation and conflicting feelings about Maria's relationship with Bernardo's killer. And there I think there's just something about that number, something that stirs audiences that just wouldn't work the same way outside of music -- it wouldn't be the same as if Anita just told Maria how she felt, wouldn't be as potent -- there just something about poetry and music that conveys in whole the emotional pain and internal struggle for Anita to keep it together.


<sub>Fig 2. Jonny Stein jumping on top of me cuz we're fighting. Who jumps on top of someone like that during a fight?

Next: Still Searching for God Knows What.</sub>

Dear Benjamin Melli,

Remember that guy I told you about? I don't know if I be around him alone anymore and I've never felt so far away from God as when I'm with him. I feel like all that's negative around him comes out when I'm with him -- because everything he says about all the pain and hurt and evil he's feeling is what I feel too -- all the rejection from friends, or abandonment -- or all the friends I've lost -- or all the hopelessness of being here -- all the loss I've felt I've never felt as strong as when I'm with him. He's like the only piece of the past I've shed that's still lasted. And I would ditch him now if I didn't think he needs a friend. But now I'm scared that if he's left alone again he'll kill himself.

Check Yes Juliet - We The Kings

Run Baby Run!

I started running in the mornings. Pretty hot today so I sweated some.

Gonna take a camera around with me wherever I go, take photos of summer.

_{Next: swimming? beach!}

Part of the List - NeYo

The stories you tell as we stay in bed, all afternoon.

Ya, I don't have someone special to wake up to every morning, but I do love staying in bed all afternoon -- till 12:53pm when I feel the need to wake up and write a blog post.

So it's 07/08/09 today. That means, we're officially in JULY and I better get started on those summer projects unless it's only to STAY IN BED for the whole summer which I guess is cool cuz I hardly slept this whole school year.

But I think so far, the biggest theme of my summer so far is just LIVE LIFE -- it doesn't hafta be special or amazing like going away far and doing humanitarian work or starting an thriving business -- but sometimes it just camera taking amateur videos of the small moments. :[ Haha. Ok that's the sappiest I'm ever gonna get.

I'm planning to cover my four walls and ceiling with photos before I leave for college, so if anyone's ever curious about me -- they can just peek in and see everything that I'm made up of (cuz a person's just the sum of their experiences) and see who my friends are and when we've laughed or cried or really just LIVED LIFE.

I like American Eagle -- LIVE YOUR LIFE.

<sub>Fig 1. Kevin Sandwich - Laughing and Crying at the Same Time

Next: Bucket List?</sub>

Damaged - Danity Kane

I really wanna be your lady.

There was this one time I was in the car with my ex-girlfriend -- it was San Mateo's prom night and she was my date, and I took her after the dance to the Golden Gate Bridge, the most romantic spot in the city of love.

And we talked about just life, and we got around to the subject of what college I'd choose to go to next year (cuz then I was deciding between NYU and UCDavis), and I said how much I LOVE this city. And comparing NY to San Francisco was hard, and I thought about how it'd be pretty cool to go to school in and live in the city and that I love San Francisco because my friends are here, my life is here, and I'm pretty sure my future would end up here --

But I'm pretty sure she wished I had said I LOVE you -- and she said softly, "I'm here!"

And I kinda just looked at her, like, we've just started dating and you already want me to consider my college plans based on the fact that a girl I'm not dating now (like today, July 6th, 2009) -- a mere 2 months later -- are you for serious?



_{Next: Unrequitted Love}

Makes Me Wonder - Maroon 5

Give me somethin' to believe in.

Fourth of July -- a wreck of patriotism and flagwaving. Nothing wrong with that, but it makes me wonder, that everyone wants something to believe in, and in something bigger than themselves: honor, duty, their country -- and for some of us -- God.

Do You Remember? - The Summer Obsession

Do you remember?

The summer before my Junior Year, I got really close to this girl. She's nothing to me now, but that summer, we did so much together. Sophmore year had been really dramatic, and we were both a part of all that drama. But we were ready for a fresh start.

Sophmore year at San Mateo: we both lost relationships that we really valued, or that once used to mean something to us, and we saw our friends cry and our friends hate. And you'd think it's just teen angst, but we had psychological problems with our friends -- maniac depression and mild schizophrenia.

So that summer we went to summer school at Capuchino. And everything was new: the high school experience, the friendships, the type of people we connected with. And me and her, we were really feelin' good that summer.

That summer, her parents split -- not a divorce, but her dad just left and her mom disappeared a lot because she worked in the airline industry and flew around a lot. And I knew she wanted out. Me too -- I wanted out too.

So I told her, let's just leave our school and what "friends" we have left and let's go live north and change schools and nicknames and just be new people. And she said ya let's do it!

But our time at Capuchino ended, and August rolled around and class scheduling and the first day of school rolled around and we still hadn't applied for a transfer. And then our first summer homework assignments were due and our textbooks were checked out and eventually the first school dance rolled around -- it was in the quad, DJ dance under the stars -- and I made tight with new friends and I was feelin' good where I was.

But she wasn't. And she really withdrew from the world and got scared to talk to me or even my cousin who she was best friends with. And eventually -- she was just gone.

She came back for the beginning of senior year, and I thought Hey where have you been all this time? but then a few weeks later, she disappeared again.

I found out she transfered schools to Wisconsin -- and started gettin' into drugs and smoking and alcohol. But from hearsay, she was feelin' good there.

"Feelin' Good"

I wonder what it would have been like if we both really did transfer schools together and went north, and did what at the time she had been to scared to do alone.

Do you remember? We said we'd run.
Away together, holding on to one another.

_{Next: Nothing but Your T-Shirt On}